A turn of events, or is it?

Hello All,
this morning I received a phone call. A call from him. He said that he'd come to the realization that he'd rather give us time now (to try to stay close), than risk losing me forever. While you may think that means we're back together, we're not. Not even close. It just means we're trying to stay close (without dating other people) and hopefully eventually getting back together.

But how long is Eventually?
And how long should I wait?

I know I said that this chance is what I wanted, and it is, but thinking about it... and how long it might take... and the fact that after a while he still might decide that we can't be together.... it all just scares me. I'm going to give it a try for a while because I do hope that we can get back together, but I just don't know where to draw the line. I'm guessing I won't know until I get to that point. I hope it doesn't take him forever.

It's been pointed out to me by a good friend that I shouldn't rule out the possibility that he's saying he'll give Me time while still pursuing things with other people. I know him, and I know he wouldn't do that. Or rather I knew he wouldn't do that. Things just seem a little different now. In the end, as foolish as it may seem at times, I'm just going to have to risk it all. If I don't, I know I'll look back on this with huge regrets and a lot of 'what if' questions.

Don't worry, I'll try to keep my guard up just a little. I know I can't just throw my heart at him again because of what happened last time I did.

Knowing that I have such great friends who I can talk to about everything is such a wonderful gift. Even if he ends up saying he doesn't love me anymore, I know there will still be a ton of people in my life who do. That makes me feel safer than I can put into words. Not only that, you're all helping me try for something I want without being overly scared because I know you'll all be there to help me pick up the pieces of my heart if it gets broken again.

Thank you, and I love you guys,
xoxoxo,
Leigh

Rejection

So, I'm assuming that whoever is reading this is all caught up on the previous blogs.

I know my captive audience (which now consists of 3 people) has been waiting anxiously for a new entry. Well here it is!

Being 'just friends' doesn't work. I suppose it's feasible if you were friends with the person before, but if not, it's something you shouldn't attempt. Of course, as I've mentioned before, I went and learned this the hard way. I guess that's just my style.

In any event, I've managed to complicate my emotional state even more than before (and I bet none of you thought that was possible)! After thinking things over thoroughly, and seeing how things had changed since the school year started, I decided that I would much rather be with him for good. I couldn't see it before because there were only verbal promises of how things would be different with us both back in school. I'm much more of a "believe it when you see it" kind of person and so for me, that wasn't good enough. The gradual changes that took place proved to me that things were much better this year and that I could balance school, a relationship, family and friends in a much more even manner. My friends and my school were both things that I paid much too little attention to last year and something that I badly wanted to rectify. It looks like I can't have it all.

He came down this past weekend and as usual, we acted like we were still together. We kissed, we held hands, we went out on dates, we said we loved eachother...we did everything, and it was wonderful. I took this as a sign that I could pour my heart out to him. I told him that I had made a huge mistake in breaking up with him and that I could see now that we had worked out a lot of the 'time' issues we had before. I was getting more school work done and I was hanging out with my friends more often. The big reasons I felt like we had to split in the first place were no longer there.

Big Mistake.

He.... in a nutshell, said no. I must admit that I've never felt rejected before, and for the first time I knew how he felt when I first broke up with him. I experienced, and am still experiencing the hurt that comes from being pushed away by someone you love. The fact that this was my first love probably makes the situation a lot worse. I feel that he said no because he's trying to protect himself from getting hurt again. This is completely understandable. The trust he once placed in me was destroyed the day I broke his heart. I just wish he would give me a second chance, or at Least some time to show him that he can trust me again.

The thing I don't understand is how he can say he still loves me, and wants to marry me, and have kids with me, yet he doesn't want to be with me right now and that dating other girls is a possibility. His exact words of "I don't know what's going to happen" are literally like a dagger. I can understand that he doesn't know if he'll ever take me back, but if he loves me enough to want to end up together, then why can't he just give me some time to show him things can work? Why does he have to date other people in the meantime? Why Why Why???????

I've been told many times now that I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I Do think he wants to be with me, but that maybe he wants the chance to be with other people first.....

If he had told me that he'd give me some time to show him he can trust me again, and that during that time he wouldn't date anyone else, but that at the end of that time he still didn't know if he'd take me back.... that would have been good enough for me. I even feel like if he called me right now and said that I'd jump at the chance. All I wanted was another chance. And I still want it, but he's made it clear that he doesn't know what's going to happen and that he's not promising me anything (whether it be taking me back or not dating anyone else).

I can't wait around and hang onto him with such a lack of committment. I wish he loved me enough to give me a second chance. I've decided that there's nothing worse than realizing you made a terrible mistake, begging for forgiveness and then being shut down cold. I think I'll take this as a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" situation (although I feel awfully close to death right now).

Hopefully in the blogs to come things will start looking up!

Waiting for Mr.Right is Hard to do.

I constantly find myself getting worked up over little things that tell me my 'ex' is moving on. He has a super nice new friend (who is conveniently a single girl) who baked him cookies to make him feel better about our breakup. He has other girls that text message him non-stop. He has yet more girls message him on msn to tell him they're coming into town and that they'd like to see him.

Where were these girls when we were dating?

There's absolutly Nothing wrong with what he's doing.... that's the problem. It still makes me unbelievably upset to know that he's out there with these other girls doing god knows what. How do I let him go?

I don't even know if that's my main problem. I think I'd be able to let him go if I wasn't so afraid of being alone? And since when did I become afraid of that? Before him I was single and Loving it! Now it seems like it's the end of the world. Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever get those butterflies in my stomach that tell me I have a crush? Will another guy ever look at me so adoringly?

...and the answer I get from all my family and friends is YES!

I have to become comfortable with putting myself out there again. I have to open my eyes to other possibilities. Once I let go of this fear, I'll be able to let go of him. More and more I realize that I can't keep him close just because it makes me feel safe. That's been my method thus far and let me tell you, it's not fun. By keeping him close I hear all of his other stories (as mentioned above) and it makes the whole situation more painful. I keep getting dragged back into a mess that I don't even want anymore.

Have some confidence. Believe what your friends tell you. Realize that Mr.Right IS out there. Don't be afraid to spend some time alone. Just let go.

The Last Straw

Now that I have 2 readers....I guess I'll have to keep this blog going!

This weeks drama is...well you can guess it... the same thing the last 6 entries were about! There's been one major update that I should inform you of before I start: the boy and I have decided just to be friends....for good.

As much as I was struggling with being 'in the middle' before, it turns out that being on a side isn't much better! It's easier to focus on what you miss about the other side than the benefits of the chosen one. My mind keeps drifting back to when we were happy together, and how great it felt to be in his arms. I constantly have to remind myself that I almost always make educated decisions. There was a reason I chose this side...but what was it? This whole situation has become so blurred with mixed emotions that it's hard to tell.

What I can deduct from the fog is that we seem to be on different paths in life. Of course it's essential that your partner differs from you in many ways as that is what keeps life interesting! However, when the gaps are ones that can't seem to be bridged, or when either party is unwilling to bridge them , then there's no way to stay connected.

My next deduction is more of a personal flaw: I can't change anyone but myself. Looking back, I realize that I spent so much time and effort trying to make him into my version of 'prince charming', that I put an unbearable strain on our relationship. When he didn't do something I wanted(or expected) I'd get upset and when he did do something that I didn't want(or expect) I'd also get upset. It turned into a lose-lose situation for him with him even realizing it. Falling into this trap was the easiest thing I've ever done. I started to love him so much for who he actually was, that I tried to make countless minor adjustments so that my 'long-term' dream for us could be fulfilled. I could picture us getting married, having kids, and even growing old together, but there were just a 'couple' of things I had to fix first.

No more tatoos (it's not presentable).
No more getting high (it's irresponsible once your reach a certain age).
No more me driving (or he had to drive at least half of the time because I'm old fashioned in the sense that I like to be driven).
....and for the future...No leaving our kids with his family without us being there. All of the swearing, lack of interaction (other than the xbox) and unhealthy food would drive me nuts. There's no way I could let my kids (who I believe are like sponges) hang out in an environment that I believe to be unhealthy. This is where the final decision to be friends came in. He said he would still leave our kids even though he knew it wasn't the best environment. I can understand that because after all, it is his family. My view differs in the fact that once you have kids, THEY are your first priority. If my parents decided to take up swearing and drugs I wouldn't leave the kids with them either.

There you have it! That was the last straw. Now we're 'friends'... or trying to be at least. Please read the next entry for my in-depth feelings on that!

Second Place

I know I just had a post a couple minutes ago, but this is just a short one so I can describe a certain frustration I've been feeling for a long time, and not one that I can openly share with the related parties.

When you're in love with someone, it's hard to feel like you always come second place in their life... and not even to 'something' else, but rather to 'someOne' else. The situation I'm referring to is not one bit my loves fault, but it's just hard to feel like someone else is always in the way (especially when I'm not completely fond of them to begin with). I mean, if I was in the same situation I'm sure I'd be doing the same thing, but I'm not... I'm on the other side. I'm on the side that sees a relationship that can't flourish because it's being held back by so many obligations. And if I know this, and I see from past occurrences the pattern that's emerging, why do I stay and pursue this relationship? I stay because I love him as a person...but how do I become Okay with his situation and responsibilities?

Basically, I need to either decide I'm not fine with it and move on, or I need to somehow move past it. My preferred choice is to move past it so that I can still be with him, but How? Every time I convince myself it's fine, something else comes up and I'm thrown in the exactly opposite direction. I end up feeling like the situation is just too much and I get overly frustrated and take it out on him.

Is it one of those situations where I just need to suck it up, make a decision and stick to it? (once again, easier said than done).

"sometimes the first thing you want never comes"

It looks like this blog has become more of a personal diary than something I'll be sharing with my friends....

I've just finished writing my accounting midterm. (The one I was procrastinating from last night as I wrote an essay on here). Before I left to write I threw any sense of pride and independence I had left out the window. I asked someone who's important to me to come visit for the weekend. The response I got was not the one I was hoping for: "I can't, no reason".

Maybe this will be another lesson for me: Never set expectations for other people. To have them for yourself is one thing, but when you make them for others (no matter how much you think they'll come through), you're just setting yourself up to be disappointed. A more appropriate strategy (that I'll hopefully adopt) is to ask things of others with no hope of a 'correct' answer.

This is much easier said than done. Any advice on how to implement?

No-mans Land: The space Inbetween

It seems as though 'blogging' is the perfect way to avoid studying.

However, I do pose a question to all of my readers (or as of right now, future readers):
How is it that a young woman such as myself can have such a hard time thinking rationally when it comes to relationships?
I'm guessing the majority of answers will be that love makes peoples' common sense evaporate. But why? What is it about being in love that misconstrues every rational morsel in your body? When things are good you feel like you're on cloud nine and that nothing can bring you down, but when things are bad, you feel like you don't know what to do with yourself and all the excess emotions you seem to be feeling. It's like someone is screaming right next to your ear and you just can't seem to focus on anything but the fact that your heart feels like it's being slowly and painfully ripped apart.

And worst of all, what happens when you're inbetween? That portion that equates itself to 'no-mans land'. That part of breaking up where you're not even close to being completely detached and yet you're no longer dating. I'll be honest, before last month I didn't even realize there was such a place. And how ironic is that, because at this exact moment, that is where I stand: in the middle of no-mans land with not one glimpse of either side clearly in view. How does one even know which direction to turn? And may I add that no-mans land is a completely unfriendly place. Kind of like when people are in the desert and think they see water only to realize it was a mirage. In no mans land, nothing is what it seems and yet everything seems so real.

What I'd really like to know is how I get out (to either side), without feeling like I should've chosen the other.

It is Possible to Think Too Much

So, here I am, it's 11:20 pm and I have a killer accounting midterm in less than 12 hours. Why am I not deep into my books, concentrating as hard as I can to cram every little bit of my textbook into whatever space is left of my brain?

Good question!!!

It seems as though I am once again distracted by the never ending drama that is my love life. Not only with current relationships, but also those in my past, I have continually found myself contemplating every aspect of 'what is and what isn't'. I've come to label it (in my case) as the "Over-analyzing disease". Stopping just short of sounding utterly ridiculous, it seems as though any action (or lack of action) from one of my past boyfriends could send me reeling into a zone where I'd try to figure out what they meant. Actually, now that I've written that, it does sound ridiculous. I mean, who has time to care that much?

Apparently I do....

And now that I've pinpointed this specific weakness, where do I go from here? How do I stop myself from constantly thinking that what people say has some dual meaning? I guess I have to realize that sometimes people actually do say what they mean and that they aren't trying to imply anything at all. Even if they are, why is it my job to try to figure it out? It isn't, and the sooner I come to terms with that, the sooner I'll be able to rid myself of wasted time thinking about what people are trying to say to me.